ping what.do.you.do?

Now that you’ve lined up the first-date you better start thinking about what to talk about. Well what do you think is the first thing you’re going to talk about … da dah … what you both do!

It’s really important here that you act cool … and the best way to do that is to not talk about yourself too much. Girls have known this for ages … they ask a guy one simple question … and the guy’s off … 10 minutes later you’ve explained everything there is to know … about … err … bouldering … let’s just say for arguments sake. You’re thinking wow what a cool girl, she’s really into me … and she’s thinking … what a w*nker … he just wants to talk about himself all the time. Yes, yes I know it is pretty hard to be humble when you’re as awesome as me … so of course I want to always talk about myself ... [joking!] … but I strongly recommend this theory … if you want a second date that is!

Anyway, if you’ve got to talk about something, then use …

Theory 10: Two words, five, 10, 20, 50 … but not 1,000!

And besides, we all know that if you get someone to talk about themselves then you’ve got time to think about your next question … solve some maths equations … think about what to fidget with in your pocket next.

Be strict … try it out … you’ll soon see that it’s like a game of tennis … I’ll see your simple question with my 2 word answer and return question … she’ll always answer with 2 words and return question … you give some back and return question …

So in practice when she asks you “What do you do?” you’ve got to be able to respond with just 2 words. E.g. “Systems Analyst”, “Solution Architect” or “Enterprise Modelling”. Each word should make sense by itself and the two together should mean something intuitive that the person can make sense of. This will allow them to ask a follow-up question ... if they care. But of course you should get a question in there quick like “And what do you do?” to return their serve.

As the rally continues you can go deeper and longer … hmm ... are we still talking about talking here … hmm … I need a girlfriend! Anyway, if they’re genuinely interested then the 'rally' will grow and your answers can get longer but always return their shot with a question back over the net.

Basically, just gauge the audiences interest and pitch your answer at it.

5 words might be “Structural Business Analysis and Optimisation” and 10 might be “Optimisation of the People, Processes and Technology in a Business” but believe me you will have lost everyone by then …

Ok already … all these vague words … you geeks have all got asbergers … I forgot … how on earth are YOU going to “gauge” someone’s interest! It’s ok, I’ve got a graph for you …

How many words do you use? – Part 1

So basically on your first date don’t use anymore than 2 words to describe anything. Spend all you time returning serve and having the girl talk about herself. That way she’ll think you’re cool and not a w*nker at all. Then on the second date you can let a little more out, say 5 words, and on the 3rd maybe 10 words, 4th date 20 words, 5th date 50 words and finally assuming “it” is on by the 6th date (see a future post) you can now use 100 words for the rest of your relationship.

Never more though!

Are you seeing a pattern here my little geeky friend? I hope so! It’s so obvious … that curve is exponentially growing! Let’s plot it on a logarithmic y-axis and fit an exponential line-of-best-fit to it …

How many words do you use? – Part 2

And so … even better than graphs … I’ve got a formula for you …

Words = e^(0.77*Date#) ............ (8)

Sh*t! … I just realised that I’ve broken this rule right here in these posts … they're collectively 5,240 words! But if you’ve got this far then you’ve already read >100 words ... soooo we better be Sober.Shagging! (more on THAT later).