ping what.do.you.do?

Now that you’ve lined up the first-date you better start thinking about what to talk about. Well what do you think is the first thing you’re going to talk about … da dah … what you both do!

It’s really important here that you act cool … and the best way to do that is to not talk about yourself too much. Girls have known this for ages … they ask a guy one simple question … and the guy’s off … 10 minutes later you’ve explained everything there is to know … about … err … bouldering … let’s just say for arguments sake. You’re thinking wow what a cool girl, she’s really into me … and she’s thinking … what a w*nker … he just wants to talk about himself all the time. Yes, yes I know it is pretty hard to be humble when you’re as awesome as me … so of course I want to always talk about myself ... [joking!] … but I strongly recommend this theory … if you want a second date that is!

Anyway, if you’ve got to talk about something, then use …

Theory 10: Two words, five, 10, 20, 50 … but not 1,000!

And besides, we all know that if you get someone to talk about themselves then you’ve got time to think about your next question … solve some maths equations … think about what to fidget with in your pocket next.

Be strict … try it out … you’ll soon see that it’s like a game of tennis … I’ll see your simple question with my 2 word answer and return question … she’ll always answer with 2 words and return question … you give some back and return question …

So in practice when she asks you “What do you do?” you’ve got to be able to respond with just 2 words. E.g. “Systems Analyst”, “Solution Architect” or “Enterprise Modelling”. Each word should make sense by itself and the two together should mean something intuitive that the person can make sense of. This will allow them to ask a follow-up question ... if they care. But of course you should get a question in there quick like “And what do you do?” to return their serve.

As the rally continues you can go deeper and longer … hmm ... are we still talking about talking here … hmm … I need a girlfriend! Anyway, if they’re genuinely interested then the 'rally' will grow and your answers can get longer but always return their shot with a question back over the net.

Basically, just gauge the audiences interest and pitch your answer at it.

5 words might be “Structural Business Analysis and Optimisation” and 10 might be “Optimisation of the People, Processes and Technology in a Business” but believe me you will have lost everyone by then …

Ok already … all these vague words … you geeks have all got asbergers … I forgot … how on earth are YOU going to “gauge” someone’s interest! It’s ok, I’ve got a graph for you …

How many words do you use? – Part 1

So basically on your first date don’t use anymore than 2 words to describe anything. Spend all you time returning serve and having the girl talk about herself. That way she’ll think you’re cool and not a w*nker at all. Then on the second date you can let a little more out, say 5 words, and on the 3rd maybe 10 words, 4th date 20 words, 5th date 50 words and finally assuming “it” is on by the 6th date (see a future post) you can now use 100 words for the rest of your relationship.

Never more though!

Are you seeing a pattern here my little geeky friend? I hope so! It’s so obvious … that curve is exponentially growing! Let’s plot it on a logarithmic y-axis and fit an exponential line-of-best-fit to it …

How many words do you use? – Part 2

And so … even better than graphs … I’ve got a formula for you …

Words = e^(0.77*Date#) ............ (8)

Sh*t! … I just realised that I’ve broken this rule right here in these posts … they're collectively 5,240 words! But if you’ve got this far then you’ve already read >100 words ... soooo we better be Sober.Shagging! (more on THAT later).

1st January 1980 - the first date?

Ok, so they’ve passed your AGE filter from the "The Vista ages" and now you’ve got to sort out the location for the first face-2-face date. Arghhhh! Contrary to Tomorrow's Date there are some quite simple rules here …

Theory 7: NO day-dates unless it’s the BEACH

Repeat after me ... there is absolutely no chance of kissing a girl on a day date ... there is absolutely no chance of kissing a girl on a day date ... there is absolutely no chance of kissing a girl on a day date ... there is absolutely no chance of kissing a girl on a day date ...

On day dates the chances are you’re at a fairground, or having a picnic or something equally “Christian”. I mean, come on, when was the last time you scored on a day date [Note: the readers probably haven’t scored before because they’re geeks [Note: remember to delete that before this is published [Note: and this … [Note: and this …]]]] … GNU Not Unix … GNU Not Unix …

Ok, I’m back, the beach is acceptable only because it lets you check out their “genetic healthiness”. But watch out for the sand getting kicked in your face etc … possibly a worthwhile risk?

A much safer option to go with is …

Theory 8: Meet for a drink after work but NOT dinner

It’s easy. It’s safe. It’s quick. It will give you a little “Dutch courage” (I'll talk about THAT more in a future post) and it gives you an early exit option if she turns out to be a bit more Jabba the Hutt than Princess Leia! ... "Oh, sorry, look at the time, I have to go, I'm meeting friends for dinner." Not only is this a face-saving exit-strategy but it says you're so popular you have to plan multi-stage evenings ... oh ... and of course that you have friends!

The best nights are Monday through Wednesday but not Thursday, that’s late night shopping and I heard there was a special on the latest Star Wars characters at Myers. Friday night = NOT DATE NIGHT! Simple. It’s Drinks with friends night? Friday-Night-Footy night? Work drinks night? Anything but date-night. And besides, only Geeks have nothing already planned for a Friday night. And lastly, I know you really want to work on Saturday and Sunday on that latest project of yours, just don’t, so they’re not technically work-nights. And besides, isn't there something better to be doing Saturday through Sunday night ... like a 24 hour LAN party!

If in doubt, follow this table;

Night	Date night?	Why?
Monday	Yes	Easy. Safe. You’re not suspiciously available.
Tuesday	Yes	As per Monday night.
Wednesday	Yes	As per Monday night.
Thursday	No	Late night shopping and I heard there was a special on the latest Star Wars characters at Myers.
Friday	No	Only Geeks have nothing already planned for a Friday night!
Saturday	No	Normal people don’t work on Saturday/Sunday so it’s not technically an after-work night. And before you ask, playing Doom ≠ Work!
Sunday	No	As per Saturday night.

As for what to "do" while you're having a drink ... well, surprise, surprise ... you drink! But always, I repeat, always … and thanks to “The Daves” for this one but …

Theory 9: Drink BEER

Not namby-pamby cocktails or champagne! Not only are they totally "girly" but there is a real risk you'll get too pissed (that's drunk for the American audience) and you wouldn't want to yammer on about yourself too much (I'll talk about THAT in a future post too). Now, you don’t have to be too brutish and drink Tooheys New but be wary of a Corona with lemon. Chicks like Men. Usually. And Men like Beer. And if she doesn’t like Men, sorry, I can’t help ... but um ... errr ... what’s her number? It's for a friend I swear! ...