The "Vista" ages

So from "What is your BIOS date" you think you know how old each of you are … now you’ve got to apply a precise rule to make a go/no-go call on whether you want to actually meet … and heavens forbid … TALK to them! If not, then like upgrading from XP, you're better off skipping Vista and waiting for Windows 7 ...

Now, I’d just like to confess that this is the one theory I keep breaking time and time again … and … well … it basically keeps ending in tears, thank god for "Whois fair game"! Anyway, I try … and yes I know Yoda says “there is no try only do” but I’m no Jedi Knight … though I did claim that as my religious affiliation at the last census … that and Flying Spaghetti Monsterism ... anyway …

Theory 4: Beware the witching ages: 26 and 32.

So how does this ageist one work?

Well, I have found that above all else at these 2 ages girls are … well … basically PSYCHO! 26 is kind of like Windows ME and 32 is like Windows Vista ... warning - Will Robinson - warning!

26 year old girls are basically looking out for their careers. They’ve finished university and have been out in the work force for a few years. For the first time they are financially and logistically (i.e. moved out of home) independent. So basically they don’t need a man. If you’re unlucky enough to be with a girl when she hits 26 you’re basically going to get judged as to whether you’re a career-anchor or turbo-boost. Not quite Tom for Nicole/Katie or Eminem for Dido but you get what I mean. Are you stopping them from “going to London/Singapore”, are you stopping them from “getting it on with one of the Partners”? Or “are you one of the Partners”?

Harsh … yes … sorry about that. Truth hurts … doesn’t it!

32 is way more simple … and way less bitter … basically I’ve got one word for you guys … BABIES! If you’re unlucky enough to be with a girl at 32 she’s looking at you with one thing on her mind … sperm donation. Yep! That biological clock is pounding away in her head. Think the biggest gong you can imagine … think Big-Ben … and you’re still not even close! Serious Bunny-Boiler alert here … but more of that in a later post. Run for you lives I say! Unless of course you’re clucky too ... which chances are at 34 you probably are … but shhhh … don’t tell anyone.

Now, all is not lost … these aren’t 2 unpassable barriers … what it means is that you have to get in early enough before these 2 ages so you can weave your magic and prevent being abandoned. I reckon 25 and 30 is advance enough … that gives you 1-2 years? Of course, if you’ve followed "What is your BIOS date" then you will always guess any girl that is between 25-29 as 25 and 30-34 as 30. So it should be easy … they are all a-ok.

Hmmm … maybe that’s why I stuff up … they’re really 26 and 32 and I’m a career-anchor or unacceptable sperm-donor. Sh*t! Now I get what I’ve been doing wrong!

If you think of girls ages as Windows OS versions it maps out like this;

<15	Win 1.0 / 2.0
15 to 19	Win 3.0 / 3.1
20 to 24	Win 95
25	Win 98
26	Win ME
27 to 29	Win NT / 2000
30 to 31	Win XP
32	Win Vista
33+	Win 7

Now, there is of course a corollary ... before the fembots get up in arms ... and that is that guys are basically always a worry. Like the Mac OS! Anyway for completeness we have …

Theory 5: Beware the warlock ages: 0-100.

How I normally use this one though is when I hear girls start into the oh-too-common diatribe about how guys are such bastards. “He did this”, “He didn’t do that”, “He’s just not that into me”. Blah, blah, blah … hello … yes we are bastards … warlocks in fact from 0-100 … but I got to stand up for my brotherhood … especially during that sort of sniping … so the never fail retort to that female lament is …

Theory 6: All guys might be bastards but all women are psycho.

That usually stops ‘em!

Huh? Girls are always PSYCHO? … not just at 26 and 32? Ok, ok so it doesn’t mean that … it just means that guys are as bastardly as women are psycho. Maybe 95% of us ARE bastards but so too then 95% of women ARE psycho. Geeks … they’re in the other 5% btw …

Whatis your BIOS date?

Ok, so you and your friends have followed the "Whois fair game" rule and you now have a potential date … you know, some “hot” girl from the chess or orienteering club! Well … the first and most important filter is AGE. Not looks … not intelligence … not even map reading skills … AGE! I’m sorry … it is ruthless … and in a future post I’ll tell you why! So, you've got to guess, get and/or give the numbers …

If she or your friends tell you straight out then easy, job done.

But as far as guessing a girl's age ... especially when you're put on the spot ... this one's really DANGEROUS! But basically you damn well better guess LESS than what you actually think. But not too much less or it's obvious you're just trying to be nice ... and girl's don't like that. So, an easy rule to follow is whatever you genuinely think their age is then round down to the nearest multiple of 5. You know ... 20, 25, 30, 35 etc. So if you think they’re 34 then damn well say 30. 23 then guess 20. So if you think they're 28 …

Theory 2: I’m guessing you’re 25.

Got it? Crisis averted!

Now, as far as giving your number … this one’s a bit more complicated … cool ages for guys seem to go in 4’s. And more than that they started getting good at 19. Check out the list below for a summary of guys ages by the numbers …

15	What is “affectionately” referred to as hormone hell so don’t even go below there. Did girls even exist before you turned 15?
16	Sweet sixteen and never been kissed. Well … maybe not … but certainly you should be focused on Year 11 … no?
17	Last year of high-school … urgh … no girlfriends allowed. I mean how are you going to get into Engineering if you go to the beach during study week … right?
18	First year (freshman) university and you thought high school was hard! And besides you’re supposed to be an adult … you have the right to vote. No time for girls.
19*	Free at last … free at last … thank GOD almighty I’m free at last! Second year (junior) university … it’s a breeze … time for Engineers and Nurses harbour cruises and the uni-bar shenanigans (e.g. Soapie Skulls, Bastard, Here's to the judge!).
20	No longer a teenager. Sh*t!
21	Now, you're supposed to be an adult ... screw that ... where's my playstation?
22	It’s an even number and no-one with any style likes them.
23*	All the cool TV presenters are this age. Oh and how much you want to be the gadget guy on the Today Show?
24	Last year of undergrad … oh sh*t … the big bad scary world awaits … better get a good mark/GPA to avoid it!
25	All work and no play makes you a very dull boy.
26	Surely there's more to life than work ... did someone say postgrad! I mean it's not as if I'm geeky enough already.
27*	Studying again ... plenty of time on your hands to fix the world's woes ...
28	Even year.
29	Sucks … all anyone says when you tell them you're 29 is … “next years the BIG one”. Try and get a dollar from everyone who says that and … well … you really will be able to retire at 30!
30	Well … it is THE big one and it’s an even number. Only 364 days to go before it's over ... phew.
31*	31 is the new 21. It's seriously cool. Those 20's are behind you.
32	Even again.
33	Too close to 1/3 of a century which is scary. As the Irish would say ... Dirty Tree and a Turd.
34	Hmmm ... aren't you supposed to be married by 34. Not cool.
35	TBA

Soooo, what does all this mean? … well, basically until you get to the next cool or milestone age (marked with * in table) you’re still the old one. Hence at 34 …

Theory 3: I’m telling people I’m 31.

Of course saying “I’m telling people …” gives away the fact that you’re not telling the truth and they’ll always respond, “Noooo … so how old are you really?” and believe me one more “Well, I’m telling people I’m 31” will usually suffice … as everyone knows geeks … and what’s more guys … are stubborn like that!

Formulaically, these are …

Tell(Age)= [ (Age-19)div(4) * 4] + 19 .................. (6)
Guess(Age)= [ (Age-20)div(5) * 5] + 20 .................. (7)

Just to sum up for girls it's; 20, 25, 30, 35 ... and for guys it's; 19, 23, 27, 31. Yes, I know that the guy ages are almost all prime numbers ... and we geeks like prime numbers ... but 27 WAS cool ... grrrr ... and no way 29 was cool ... perhaps the next cool age is 37 not 35??? ... I'll let you know!

In any case graphically it is as per the chart below.

I'm telling people I'm ... I'm guessing you're ...

Copyright © 2009.

Whois fair game?

Ok … before we get started … I just wanted to say that life has taught me .. so far anyway … that there are a few very special relationships that should be protected above all else. These relationships are so close that they should be preserved, nurtured and never risked for the sake of love.

These relationships are more close than the "one degree of separation" between any two people that know each other (popularized by that book/movie) so I call them a half a degree. There are 3 types (oh and how us geeks love bullet points);

1. Family – this means siblings, parents and children. Not in-laws, not cousins … these are all “just” friends.
2. Exes – pretty self-explanatory, no? If not, these are people you were Sober.Pashing once.
3. Flatmates – people you live with … but aren’t shagging … right? And only current ones. Old flatty’s drop back to being “just” friends once you move apart.

Now, being pessimistic and assuming … as unfortunately in my life so far is always the case … that things will go to sh*t when you break up with your girlfriend … there is going to be some fallout … so you want to have the “luxury” of a clean break and not have to worry about the domino effect that your break-up might have.

So, when you’re thinking about getting “it” started with someone … and you’re wondering who should be on your radar … there is only one moral high-ground to take if you want to minimise fallout and that is to only chase the following …

Theory 1: Fair game is one and a half degrees of separation.

Look I really wanted to write 1½ and I even thought about writing 1.5 in the title but it looks more impressive ... more linguistically intelligent … to use words not numbers. I can fool people into thinking I’m a writer NOT a geek like that. But who am I going to fool!

Ok, back to the degrees of separation theory … so >1.5 … what does that mean? Well, basically it is how I try to live my life. It means friend of a friend is the only fair-game, or …

Friend + Friend = 1.0 +1.0 = 2.0 > 1.5 .......................... (1)

Of course it does mean that a friend's-ex's-sibling is also ok, or …

Friend + Ex + Family = 1.0 + 0.5 + 0.5 = 2.0 > 1.5 ........................ (2)

Bear with me … you can see from these two equations that yes the “degrees” are additive meaning 2 degrees of 1.0 equals 2.0 and 3 degrees of 0.5 equals 1.5.

You getting it?

Now, 1.5 degrees is morally “common” shall we say in that it is how most people behave. So this means sleeping with your friend's-ex's, your sibling's-friends or your ex's-sibling's-flatmates etc, or …

Friend + Ex = 1.0 + 0.5 = 1.5
Family + Friend = 0.5 + 1.0 = 1.5
Ex + Family + Flatmate = 0.5 + 0.5 + 0.5 = 1.5 ................ (3)

Now, I have heard of a few terms for people that are sleeping with a friend's-ex, and they are; “sperm-buddies” or “custard cousins” for guys and “sushi-sisters” for girls. But by my definition, that is at “best” 1.5, so not so cool. Unless of course you became friends after the event … or the two “events” in this case I guess … in which case there was no 1.0 friend relationship yet so it is all cool … if not just a little bit creepy.

1.0 is morally low shall we say because it means sleeping with a sibling's-ex, a flatmate's-sibling, an ex's-mother or sister (hmmm … that one sounds kind of cool for some reason) or a friend, or …

Family + Ex = 0.5 + 0.5 = 1.0
Flatmate + Family = 0.5 + 0.5 = 1.0
Ex + Family = 0.5 + 0.5 = 1.0
Friend = 1.0 ..................(4)

There are of course some substitution rules, so that a flatmate's-flatmate is still a flatmate (and is just 0.5) and a sibling's-sibling is either yourself (and Catholics just don’t do that) or still a sibling which is … errr … a Tasmanian thing. Don’t worry if this is getting confusing there is a picture at the end of this post.

0.5 is basically … illegal! It is like sleeping with an ex (which is of course like a dog eating it’s own vomit), sleeping with a sibling (which is actually illegal) or sleeping with a flatmate … which while most people think is cool (i.e. enough degrees) … I personally think you just don’t go there … you put them in the friend bin straight away … well at 0.5 degrees anyway … and happily become two trains in the night.

Ex = 0.5
Family = 0.5
Flatmate = 0.5 ......... (5)

Make sense?

Now get ready for the picture! It shows the relationship “options” closest to You! Red is bad, Green is good.

0.5 to 2.0 degrees of separation from You

So it’s pretty easy to see that the easiest path is through your friends! Friend of a Friend is 2.0 and a-ok and all others are 1.5 so at least that’s morally “common”. So get to it friends, set me up with YOUR friends!!!

Copyright © 2009.