When is "it" on and who do you tell?

Assuming you got the speed right so it isn’t a train wreck or two trains (see How fast should you go?) then the inevitable questions comes up … “When are you going steady”? … “swinging hands”? … “dating”? … “When is your anniversary”? “When can you kiss and tell”? or less politely “Brag to your mates”?

Now the first thing to establish is when is “it” on. And by “it” I don’t mean you’re getting married or anything but you have made a commitment to them. They are your girlfriend. For me it is on when you are Sober.Pashing someone. You can’t be Sober.Pashing two girls within the same timeframe. Of course we could go into ménage au trois but really why bother, we’re talking about relationships here not things that “go on on tour and stay on tour”. “It” is not on when you’re Drunk.Pashing and even Drunk.Shagging, only when you’re Sober.Pashing. And by pashing I mean tongue-kissing for the Americans out there. Not a peck on the lips or cheek … full on “tonsil hockey” as THEY say. Who THEY are, 12 year old children I think?

And of course we have to define that Drunk = ^Sober. This is binary of course but really who is to say how one's judgment is impaired by even the slightest of drink/drugs? So any drink, whatsoever, and we’ll assume you were Drunk or ^Sober. Sorry. Or …

Drunk = ^Sober .......................... (9)

And let’s not forget that Pash-ING means multiple Pashes. How many? Well more than 2. Same goes for Shagging versus a Shag. Or …

Pashing = ∑ Pash_i where i>2 ................. (10)

Shagging = ∑ Shag_i where i>2 ................. (11)

Now, formulaically the Girlfriend function with a person can be written like this Girlfriend(Person). If the result of this function is True then you can say “It” is on. Now it’s a deterministic function meaning that there can be only 1 value for Person at any given time … this is also called exclusivity. So basically I am saying that you are exclusive with someone when you are Sober.Pashing them.

Girlfriend(Person = Sober.Pashing) ................ (12)

or as a theory

Theory 20: “It” is on when you’re Sober.Pashing.

That’s it, plain and simple … no more arguing.

So now when your friends or family ask you if you have a “girlfriend”, you have to ask yourself 2 questions;

1. Were you sober or drunk/high?
2. Did you do “it” more than once?

Depending on the answers to the above 2 questions, look up the table below and you can find out who you can tell that “it” is on. If the type of person is written in the cell then it is ok to tell them. That is the Tell(person) function is True or a 1. Note: We had another “Tell” function back in What is your bios date? for the age you should say you are. So here we have what is called an overloaded function. That is, depending on the topic (i.e. Age in What is your bios date? or Relationship status here) you use a different set of logic. Overloading isn’t it!

Anyway, if their name isn’t in the cell then the Tell(person) function is False or a 0 and you don’t tell then you have a “girlfriend”.


Now, basically there are formulas here on when you tell the relevant close people (see Chapter 3) according to Karnaugh maps … which are a logic technique … and you know I love logic (see Knowing your GQ) … anyway brace yourself …

Flatmates first, you can tell them anything that happens and besides they live with you so they probably heard you anyway. From the Truth table you can see that Flatmate is in every cell so quite simply;

Tell(Flatmate) =1 ..................... (13)

or as a theory;

Theory 21: Tell the Flatmate after … anything.

Now, on to Friends. You tell your Friends about everything except Drunk.Pashing. They don’t need to know that stuff because party-pash’s happen every weekend … right? … and you don’t want your friends to think you’re easy … you’ve got a reputation to uphold. It is also worth pointing out that once you’re Sober.Pashing you’re exclusive with the person (see above) so your friends need to know so that they don’t try to set you up with their friends (see Whois fair game? … i.e. a friend of a friend).

From the truth table you can group all the cells under Shagging into one set and the Sober.Pashing cell to get when you tell. Therefore …

Tell(Friends) = Sober.Pashing OR Shag ....................... (14)

or as a theory;

Theory 22: Tell the Friends after … Sober.Pashing OR Shag.

Now, the good ol’ Family. Don’t get fooled into telling them too early. A Sober.Pash NO. I have been caught on this one too many times … my poor mother. A Drunk.Shag NO. Even a Sober.Shag NO. So many times they haven’t come back for more … hmmm … maybe my mojo isn’t what I think it is … it’s only once they’ve come back for more when they’ve been sober that you can get your families hopes up … especially your mums!

From the Truth table there is one cell that should occur before you tell the Family you have a “girlfriend” and that is Sober.Shagging.

Tell(Family) = Sober.Shagging ......................... (15)

or as a theory;

Theory 23: Tell the Family after … Sober.Shagging.

And finally, the exes. Never tell your exes anything! It’s mean, they don’t need to know that you’ve “moved on” and besides in case you want to get back with them and break the degrees of separation rule (see Whois fair game?) it’ll improve your chances!

From the Truth table it never occurs so the tell function is always false. Or …

Tell(Ex) = 0 .......................... (16)

or as a theory;

Theory 24: Tell the Exes … Nothing!

Now there is a whole lot of progression or “bases” concepts here too that are worth mentioning …

1. It’s not uncommon to get to 1st base and then steal 2nd with a Drunk.Shag on the 1st date. This is what people call a one-night stand but would indicate an impending train-wreck (see How fast should you go?).
2. You never start on 2nd base and you always have to go through 1st. Sober.Pash first up, no way!
3. A Drunk.Shag always starts with a Drunk.Pash unless it is with a “lady of the night” of course … hmmm …
4. You very rarely go from a Sober.Pashing to Sober.Shag in one night. This would be stealing 3rd from 2nd base and we all know how hard that is to do. Wait 1-2 weeks I say.
5. You can’t get past 3rd base if you’re always drunk. “It” is never on because you’re never Sober.Pashing and not getting to home plate means you can’t tell your family about “it”.

How fast should you go?

Ok, so assuming they’ve been put into the Girlfriend bin (see Go / No-Go for launch) now you’ve got to ask yourself … bull at a gate? … or … suave seducer? Basically, how fast do you go towards “it”?

You’re looking for some inertia because for two friends to become intimate you’ll need some momentum. Whether it’s for a rational solution to a problem or an emotional impulse heading towards a train wreck – crash or crash through as they say!

My first word of advice is “get drunk”. Ok, sorry to all the tea-tottlers out there but come on … Dutch courage as they say. I wonder what the Dutch think about that? Don’t the Germans drink the most alcohol per capita? Or is it Russians … anyway … alcohol and drugs will get you a bit wobbly on your tracks but depending on the moral frameworks (see Whois fair game?) it might be enough.

The real risk here is that if things go too slow then someone in the Girlfriend bin will drop back to the Friend bin (see Go / No-Go for launch). You have this real risk of becoming … as my geeky friend Dr Mark calls it … “two trains in the night”. You sit there looking across at each other, waving and saying hi, going for day-dates, picnics … BARF!

So how slow is too slow? It’s not rocket science …

Theory 18: Two Trains in the night if “it” is not on after six dates/weeks.

Ouch!

Now, of course, it’s possible to go too fast. Trip over and woops … your man tackle fell inside them. Oh, sorry. A train-wreck! Of course this type of behaviour is often associated with Bunny-Boilers (see Go / No-Go for launch) or Psychos (see The "Vista" ages) but you know what to do with them.

Anyway, so how fast is too fast? Again, it’s simple …

Theory 19: Train Wreck if you do “it” within two dates/weeks.

So basically, if you wait more than 2 dates/weeks but before 6, it’s “lurv”! And to make things really easy for you, here is nice pretty graph …

Two Trains in the night or Train Wreck?

Go / No-Go for launch

By now you have probably spoken for a few minutes … unless you really broke the theory from ping what.do.you.do? … and you’ve got some idea of whether the lights are on upstairs! So it’s time to decide … friend or girlfriend … or of course … potential bunny-boiler!

When I meet someone = Girl, I immediately put them into a friend or potential partner “bin”. I’ve never gone out with friends (see Whois fair game?), and I’ve never really got to know someone too much before I went out with them because you’re really risking the Two Trains problem … see a future post.

Anyway, it’s all about chemistry and I reckon you know in the first 5 minutes whether there is any … mental and physical. That’s certainly what speed-dating preaches!

Now the best advice I can give here … following on from Knowing your GQ … is …

Theory 16: Beauty fades and Dumb is forever.

So assuming you’re not thinking too much with your second brain you’ve got to decide between …

Theory 17: The Girlfriend, Friend or Bunny-Boiler bins.

Could they be a Girlfriend, Friend or Bunny-Boiler?

So if you’ve chucked them in to the Friend bin then according to Whois fair game? then it’s your “duty” to start trying to set them up with your Friends … or ex’s or flatmates or siblings, depending on your moral ground!

If you’ve decided they’re Bunny-Boilers then … errr … you’re on your own … ok … errr … no really … you’re on your own! Maybe try telling them you’re a virgin or that you have some incurable tropical disease? I don’t know … don’t ask me … I know nothing. God I hope I didn’t set you up :) Ok, so seriously … IMMEDIATELY turn to Whois fair game?!

And thankfully, if you’ve rated them as potential Girlfriends and chucked them in THAT bin then read on …

Knowing your GQ

Once those two two-word “conversations” are over … if you’ve been following my advice from ping what.do.you.do? that is … and talked about some other inane (i.e. non work related) stuff … you should have been able to tell if they’ve got “it”.

Now, you’re a geek … so I’m guessing … like me … “it” is intelligence? But what on earth is intelligence? Is it measured by IQ, Higher School Certificate (HSC) mark, Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) score or … errr …. EQ? Well I’m here to present to you a theory that has been around for 20 years and I have totally subscribed too … the theory of multiple intelligences.

In the early 80’s Dr Howard Gardner and all his geeky friends sat around and defined some criteria that any certain “skill” could be tested against. If it passed then it would be recognised as a form of intelligence, if it failed, then not. Now these criteria have been around for a long time and many “skills” have been tested against them but guess what …

Theory 11: There are 7 forms of intelligence.

And these are;

1. Logical-mathematical
2. Intrapersonal
3. Bodily-kinaesthetic
4. Spatial
5. Musical
6. Interpersonal
7. Linguistic

I have really liked this breakdown because it acknowledges co-ordination and physical skills as much as linguistic and logical. Yes, all those jocks that beat you up at school were “intelligent”! And emotional intelligence gets a look in twice with interpersonal and intrapersonal. Recently they have added Naturalistic Intelligence but I’m an Engineer so … sorry … don’t like that “left-wing pinko” one :)

So if we accept that there are these 7 forms of intelligence and we were to keep score of how we stack up in each area and then average the scores, then, basically, you can get a Weighted Average Mark (WAM) across the 7 intelligences … just like at uni … and this WAM would be the breadth of someone’s intelligence. I think it is this breadth that we should be admiring rather than any specific skills in any given area.

Now just like at university there are bands to this mark so if the average is ≥ 85% that is a High Distinction (HD), 75% to 84% that’s a Distinction (D), if 65% to 74% a Credit (C), 50% to 64% a Pass (P) and anything below 50% is well … Fail (Z) … and stupid.

And, as I said before, I think it is the breadth of the intelligence that defines whether someone is a Genius or one of us … a Geek. And basically it goes like this;

Theory 12: Genius is an HD average.

and;

Theory 13: Geek is getting 100% in one.

So 85%+ across all 7 would be a serious genius or Renaissance Man … Leonardo Da Vinci for example and of course Robbie Williams … but more of that in a future post. If you’re 100% in any one intelligence then I reckon … GEEK! Now I did get a 100% in one subject at Uni you know so that’s my “cred” and as you’ll see I think I’m 100% in one of the intelligences ... but remember it’s hard to be humble when you’re as awesome I am …

This is what I get across the 7 forms of intelligence;

How I stack up on against the 7 intelligences

And graphically this is … and oh how much I love radar graphs … they’re actually called Kiviat graphs you know … after Mr Kiviat I presume??? Note my “right-brain” dominance … and before you ask … no that isn’t how they got the term … it’s something to do with cognitive function … apparently … that’s what my sis says anyway …

Oooh … a radar plot of me and the 7 intelligences

So I’m a Geek in Introspection … my Dad certainly thinks so … and c’mon I’m writing a book on “it” for GOD’s sake. I’m nowhere near a genius … as I’ve only got a D average (1st class honours that is – which is what I got at uni btw) but not University Medal … like Dave R, Mark D, Jared B, Peter C, David L … and basically everyone I work with … but don’t get me started on that one! I’d have to work on my Musical and Linguistic intelligences … though I was Orange Blossom Festival recorder champion one year … and I can say hello/good day in about 10 languages so there is hope!

Anyway … what I do have in spades is what I call “punchiness”. It is that sparkle in the eye, motivation, passion … zest for life. And basically if someone has a gift to start with … be it linguistic, logical or musical … then they are basically a waste of space unless they are motivated enough to use it. If they sit around smoking bongs all day then I don’t really care if they are the most gifted musician really. So …

Theory 14: It’s all about Punchiness anyway.

So there is hope. If you’re struggling in some dimension then work at it ... cognitively restructure yourself … and when you’re thinking about what you want to change in yourself or the world in general remember one of the greatest theories of all time and that is …

Theory 15: Have patience to tolerate the things you cant change, courage to change the things you can, and, the wisdom to tell the difference.

It was a genius who wrote that … the first time that is!

ping what.do.you.do?

Now that you’ve lined up the first-date you better start thinking about what to talk about. Well what do you think is the first thing you’re going to talk about … da dah … what you both do!

It’s really important here that you act cool … and the best way to do that is to not talk about yourself too much. Girls have known this for ages … they ask a guy one simple question … and the guy’s off … 10 minutes later you’ve explained everything there is to know … about … err … bouldering … let’s just say for arguments sake. You’re thinking wow what a cool girl, she’s really into me … and she’s thinking … what a w*nker … he just wants to talk about himself all the time. Yes, yes I know it is pretty hard to be humble when you’re as awesome as me … so of course I want to always talk about myself ... [joking!] … but I strongly recommend this theory … if you want a second date that is!

Anyway, if you’ve got to talk about something, then use …

Theory 10: Two words, five, 10, 20, 50 … but not 1,000!

And besides, we all know that if you get someone to talk about themselves then you’ve got time to think about your next question … solve some maths equations … think about what to fidget with in your pocket next.

Be strict … try it out … you’ll soon see that it’s like a game of tennis … I’ll see your simple question with my 2 word answer and return question … she’ll always answer with 2 words and return question … you give some back and return question …

So in practice when she asks you “What do you do?” you’ve got to be able to respond with just 2 words. E.g. “Systems Analyst”, “Solution Architect” or “Enterprise Modelling”. Each word should make sense by itself and the two together should mean something intuitive that the person can make sense of. This will allow them to ask a follow-up question ... if they care. But of course you should get a question in there quick like “And what do you do?” to return their serve.

As the rally continues you can go deeper and longer … hmm ... are we still talking about talking here … hmm … I need a girlfriend! Anyway, if they’re genuinely interested then the 'rally' will grow and your answers can get longer but always return their shot with a question back over the net.

Basically, just gauge the audiences interest and pitch your answer at it.

5 words might be “Structural Business Analysis and Optimisation” and 10 might be “Optimisation of the People, Processes and Technology in a Business” but believe me you will have lost everyone by then …

Ok already … all these vague words … you geeks have all got asbergers … I forgot … how on earth are YOU going to “gauge” someone’s interest! It’s ok, I’ve got a graph for you …

How many words do you use? – Part 1

So basically on your first date don’t use anymore than 2 words to describe anything. Spend all you time returning serve and having the girl talk about herself. That way she’ll think you’re cool and not a w*nker at all. Then on the second date you can let a little more out, say 5 words, and on the 3rd maybe 10 words, 4th date 20 words, 5th date 50 words and finally assuming “it” is on by the 6th date (see a future post) you can now use 100 words for the rest of your relationship.

Never more though!

Are you seeing a pattern here my little geeky friend? I hope so! It’s so obvious … that curve is exponentially growing! Let’s plot it on a logarithmic y-axis and fit an exponential line-of-best-fit to it …

How many words do you use? – Part 2

And so … even better than graphs … I’ve got a formula for you …

Words = e^(0.77*Date#) ............ (8)

Sh*t! … I just realised that I’ve broken this rule right here in these posts … they're collectively 5,240 words! But if you’ve got this far then you’ve already read >100 words ... soooo we better be Sober.Shagging! (more on THAT later).

1st January 1980 - the first date?

Ok, so they’ve passed your AGE filter from the "The Vista ages" and now you’ve got to sort out the location for the first face-2-face date. Arghhhh! Contrary to Tomorrow's Date there are some quite simple rules here …

Theory 7: NO day-dates unless it’s the BEACH

Repeat after me ... there is absolutely no chance of kissing a girl on a day date ... there is absolutely no chance of kissing a girl on a day date ... there is absolutely no chance of kissing a girl on a day date ... there is absolutely no chance of kissing a girl on a day date ...

On day dates the chances are you’re at a fairground, or having a picnic or something equally “Christian”. I mean, come on, when was the last time you scored on a day date [Note: the readers probably haven’t scored before because they’re geeks [Note: remember to delete that before this is published [Note: and this … [Note: and this …]]]] … GNU Not Unix … GNU Not Unix …

Ok, I’m back, the beach is acceptable only because it lets you check out their “genetic healthiness”. But watch out for the sand getting kicked in your face etc … possibly a worthwhile risk?

A much safer option to go with is …

Theory 8: Meet for a drink after work but NOT dinner

It’s easy. It’s safe. It’s quick. It will give you a little “Dutch courage” (I'll talk about THAT more in a future post) and it gives you an early exit option if she turns out to be a bit more Jabba the Hutt than Princess Leia! ... "Oh, sorry, look at the time, I have to go, I'm meeting friends for dinner." Not only is this a face-saving exit-strategy but it says you're so popular you have to plan multi-stage evenings ... oh ... and of course that you have friends!

The best nights are Monday through Wednesday but not Thursday, that’s late night shopping and I heard there was a special on the latest Star Wars characters at Myers. Friday night = NOT DATE NIGHT! Simple. It’s Drinks with friends night? Friday-Night-Footy night? Work drinks night? Anything but date-night. And besides, only Geeks have nothing already planned for a Friday night. And lastly, I know you really want to work on Saturday and Sunday on that latest project of yours, just don’t, so they’re not technically work-nights. And besides, isn't there something better to be doing Saturday through Sunday night ... like a 24 hour LAN party!

If in doubt, follow this table;

Night	Date night?	Why?
Monday	Yes	Easy. Safe. You’re not suspiciously available.
Tuesday	Yes	As per Monday night.
Wednesday	Yes	As per Monday night.
Thursday	No	Late night shopping and I heard there was a special on the latest Star Wars characters at Myers.
Friday	No	Only Geeks have nothing already planned for a Friday night!
Saturday	No	Normal people don’t work on Saturday/Sunday so it’s not technically an after-work night. And before you ask, playing Doom ≠ Work!
Sunday	No	As per Saturday night.

As for what to "do" while you're having a drink ... well, surprise, surprise ... you drink! But always, I repeat, always … and thanks to “The Daves” for this one but …

Theory 9: Drink BEER

Not namby-pamby cocktails or champagne! Not only are they totally "girly" but there is a real risk you'll get too pissed (that's drunk for the American audience) and you wouldn't want to yammer on about yourself too much (I'll talk about THAT in a future post too). Now, you don’t have to be too brutish and drink Tooheys New but be wary of a Corona with lemon. Chicks like Men. Usually. And Men like Beer. And if she doesn’t like Men, sorry, I can’t help ... but um ... errr ... what’s her number? It's for a friend I swear! ...

The "Vista" ages

So from "What is your BIOS date" you think you know how old each of you are … now you’ve got to apply a precise rule to make a go/no-go call on whether you want to actually meet … and heavens forbid … TALK to them! If not, then like upgrading from XP, you're better off skipping Vista and waiting for Windows 7 ...

Now, I’d just like to confess that this is the one theory I keep breaking time and time again … and … well … it basically keeps ending in tears, thank god for "Whois fair game"! Anyway, I try … and yes I know Yoda says “there is no try only do” but I’m no Jedi Knight … though I did claim that as my religious affiliation at the last census … that and Flying Spaghetti Monsterism ... anyway …

Theory 4: Beware the witching ages: 26 and 32.

So how does this ageist one work?

Well, I have found that above all else at these 2 ages girls are … well … basically PSYCHO! 26 is kind of like Windows ME and 32 is like Windows Vista ... warning - Will Robinson - warning!

26 year old girls are basically looking out for their careers. They’ve finished university and have been out in the work force for a few years. For the first time they are financially and logistically (i.e. moved out of home) independent. So basically they don’t need a man. If you’re unlucky enough to be with a girl when she hits 26 you’re basically going to get judged as to whether you’re a career-anchor or turbo-boost. Not quite Tom for Nicole/Katie or Eminem for Dido but you get what I mean. Are you stopping them from “going to London/Singapore”, are you stopping them from “getting it on with one of the Partners”? Or “are you one of the Partners”?

Harsh … yes … sorry about that. Truth hurts … doesn’t it!

32 is way more simple … and way less bitter … basically I’ve got one word for you guys … BABIES! If you’re unlucky enough to be with a girl at 32 she’s looking at you with one thing on her mind … sperm donation. Yep! That biological clock is pounding away in her head. Think the biggest gong you can imagine … think Big-Ben … and you’re still not even close! Serious Bunny-Boiler alert here … but more of that in a later post. Run for you lives I say! Unless of course you’re clucky too ... which chances are at 34 you probably are … but shhhh … don’t tell anyone.

Now, all is not lost … these aren’t 2 unpassable barriers … what it means is that you have to get in early enough before these 2 ages so you can weave your magic and prevent being abandoned. I reckon 25 and 30 is advance enough … that gives you 1-2 years? Of course, if you’ve followed "What is your BIOS date" then you will always guess any girl that is between 25-29 as 25 and 30-34 as 30. So it should be easy … they are all a-ok.

Hmmm … maybe that’s why I stuff up … they’re really 26 and 32 and I’m a career-anchor or unacceptable sperm-donor. Sh*t! Now I get what I’ve been doing wrong!

If you think of girls ages as Windows OS versions it maps out like this;

<15	Win 1.0 / 2.0
15 to 19	Win 3.0 / 3.1
20 to 24	Win 95
25	Win 98
26	Win ME
27 to 29	Win NT / 2000
30 to 31	Win XP
32	Win Vista
33+	Win 7

Now, there is of course a corollary ... before the fembots get up in arms ... and that is that guys are basically always a worry. Like the Mac OS! Anyway for completeness we have …

Theory 5: Beware the warlock ages: 0-100.

How I normally use this one though is when I hear girls start into the oh-too-common diatribe about how guys are such bastards. “He did this”, “He didn’t do that”, “He’s just not that into me”. Blah, blah, blah … hello … yes we are bastards … warlocks in fact from 0-100 … but I got to stand up for my brotherhood … especially during that sort of sniping … so the never fail retort to that female lament is …

Theory 6: All guys might be bastards but all women are psycho.

That usually stops ‘em!

Huh? Girls are always PSYCHO? … not just at 26 and 32? Ok, ok so it doesn’t mean that … it just means that guys are as bastardly as women are psycho. Maybe 95% of us ARE bastards but so too then 95% of women ARE psycho. Geeks … they’re in the other 5% btw …

Whatis your BIOS date?

Ok, so you and your friends have followed the "Whois fair game" rule and you now have a potential date … you know, some “hot” girl from the chess or orienteering club! Well … the first and most important filter is AGE. Not looks … not intelligence … not even map reading skills … AGE! I’m sorry … it is ruthless … and in a future post I’ll tell you why! So, you've got to guess, get and/or give the numbers …

If she or your friends tell you straight out then easy, job done.

But as far as guessing a girl's age ... especially when you're put on the spot ... this one's really DANGEROUS! But basically you damn well better guess LESS than what you actually think. But not too much less or it's obvious you're just trying to be nice ... and girl's don't like that. So, an easy rule to follow is whatever you genuinely think their age is then round down to the nearest multiple of 5. You know ... 20, 25, 30, 35 etc. So if you think they’re 34 then damn well say 30. 23 then guess 20. So if you think they're 28 …

Theory 2: I’m guessing you’re 25.

Got it? Crisis averted!

Now, as far as giving your number … this one’s a bit more complicated … cool ages for guys seem to go in 4’s. And more than that they started getting good at 19. Check out the list below for a summary of guys ages by the numbers …

15	What is “affectionately” referred to as hormone hell so don’t even go below there. Did girls even exist before you turned 15?
16	Sweet sixteen and never been kissed. Well … maybe not … but certainly you should be focused on Year 11 … no?
17	Last year of high-school … urgh … no girlfriends allowed. I mean how are you going to get into Engineering if you go to the beach during study week … right?
18	First year (freshman) university and you thought high school was hard! And besides you’re supposed to be an adult … you have the right to vote. No time for girls.
19*	Free at last … free at last … thank GOD almighty I’m free at last! Second year (junior) university … it’s a breeze … time for Engineers and Nurses harbour cruises and the uni-bar shenanigans (e.g. Soapie Skulls, Bastard, Here's to the judge!).
20	No longer a teenager. Sh*t!
21	Now, you're supposed to be an adult ... screw that ... where's my playstation?
22	It’s an even number and no-one with any style likes them.
23*	All the cool TV presenters are this age. Oh and how much you want to be the gadget guy on the Today Show?
24	Last year of undergrad … oh sh*t … the big bad scary world awaits … better get a good mark/GPA to avoid it!
25	All work and no play makes you a very dull boy.
26	Surely there's more to life than work ... did someone say postgrad! I mean it's not as if I'm geeky enough already.
27*	Studying again ... plenty of time on your hands to fix the world's woes ...
28	Even year.
29	Sucks … all anyone says when you tell them you're 29 is … “next years the BIG one”. Try and get a dollar from everyone who says that and … well … you really will be able to retire at 30!
30	Well … it is THE big one and it’s an even number. Only 364 days to go before it's over ... phew.
31*	31 is the new 21. It's seriously cool. Those 20's are behind you.
32	Even again.
33	Too close to 1/3 of a century which is scary. As the Irish would say ... Dirty Tree and a Turd.
34	Hmmm ... aren't you supposed to be married by 34. Not cool.
35	TBA

Soooo, what does all this mean? … well, basically until you get to the next cool or milestone age (marked with * in table) you’re still the old one. Hence at 34 …

Theory 3: I’m telling people I’m 31.

Of course saying “I’m telling people …” gives away the fact that you’re not telling the truth and they’ll always respond, “Noooo … so how old are you really?” and believe me one more “Well, I’m telling people I’m 31” will usually suffice … as everyone knows geeks … and what’s more guys … are stubborn like that!

Formulaically, these are …

Tell(Age)= [ (Age-19)div(4) * 4] + 19 .................. (6)
Guess(Age)= [ (Age-20)div(5) * 5] + 20 .................. (7)

Just to sum up for girls it's; 20, 25, 30, 35 ... and for guys it's; 19, 23, 27, 31. Yes, I know that the guy ages are almost all prime numbers ... and we geeks like prime numbers ... but 27 WAS cool ... grrrr ... and no way 29 was cool ... perhaps the next cool age is 37 not 35??? ... I'll let you know!

In any case graphically it is as per the chart below.

I'm telling people I'm ... I'm guessing you're ...

Copyright © 2009.

Whois fair game?

Ok … before we get started … I just wanted to say that life has taught me .. so far anyway … that there are a few very special relationships that should be protected above all else. These relationships are so close that they should be preserved, nurtured and never risked for the sake of love.

These relationships are more close than the "one degree of separation" between any two people that know each other (popularized by that book/movie) so I call them a half a degree. There are 3 types (oh and how us geeks love bullet points);

1. Family – this means siblings, parents and children. Not in-laws, not cousins … these are all “just” friends.
2. Exes – pretty self-explanatory, no? If not, these are people you were Sober.Pashing once.
3. Flatmates – people you live with … but aren’t shagging … right? And only current ones. Old flatty’s drop back to being “just” friends once you move apart.

Now, being pessimistic and assuming … as unfortunately in my life so far is always the case … that things will go to sh*t when you break up with your girlfriend … there is going to be some fallout … so you want to have the “luxury” of a clean break and not have to worry about the domino effect that your break-up might have.

So, when you’re thinking about getting “it” started with someone … and you’re wondering who should be on your radar … there is only one moral high-ground to take if you want to minimise fallout and that is to only chase the following …

Theory 1: Fair game is one and a half degrees of separation.

Look I really wanted to write 1½ and I even thought about writing 1.5 in the title but it looks more impressive ... more linguistically intelligent … to use words not numbers. I can fool people into thinking I’m a writer NOT a geek like that. But who am I going to fool!

Ok, back to the degrees of separation theory … so >1.5 … what does that mean? Well, basically it is how I try to live my life. It means friend of a friend is the only fair-game, or …

Friend + Friend = 1.0 +1.0 = 2.0 > 1.5 .......................... (1)

Of course it does mean that a friend's-ex's-sibling is also ok, or …

Friend + Ex + Family = 1.0 + 0.5 + 0.5 = 2.0 > 1.5 ........................ (2)

Bear with me … you can see from these two equations that yes the “degrees” are additive meaning 2 degrees of 1.0 equals 2.0 and 3 degrees of 0.5 equals 1.5.

You getting it?

Now, 1.5 degrees is morally “common” shall we say in that it is how most people behave. So this means sleeping with your friend's-ex's, your sibling's-friends or your ex's-sibling's-flatmates etc, or …

Friend + Ex = 1.0 + 0.5 = 1.5
Family + Friend = 0.5 + 1.0 = 1.5
Ex + Family + Flatmate = 0.5 + 0.5 + 0.5 = 1.5 ................ (3)

Now, I have heard of a few terms for people that are sleeping with a friend's-ex, and they are; “sperm-buddies” or “custard cousins” for guys and “sushi-sisters” for girls. But by my definition, that is at “best” 1.5, so not so cool. Unless of course you became friends after the event … or the two “events” in this case I guess … in which case there was no 1.0 friend relationship yet so it is all cool … if not just a little bit creepy.

1.0 is morally low shall we say because it means sleeping with a sibling's-ex, a flatmate's-sibling, an ex's-mother or sister (hmmm … that one sounds kind of cool for some reason) or a friend, or …

Family + Ex = 0.5 + 0.5 = 1.0
Flatmate + Family = 0.5 + 0.5 = 1.0
Ex + Family = 0.5 + 0.5 = 1.0
Friend = 1.0 ..................(4)

There are of course some substitution rules, so that a flatmate's-flatmate is still a flatmate (and is just 0.5) and a sibling's-sibling is either yourself (and Catholics just don’t do that) or still a sibling which is … errr … a Tasmanian thing. Don’t worry if this is getting confusing there is a picture at the end of this post.

0.5 is basically … illegal! It is like sleeping with an ex (which is of course like a dog eating it’s own vomit), sleeping with a sibling (which is actually illegal) or sleeping with a flatmate … which while most people think is cool (i.e. enough degrees) … I personally think you just don’t go there … you put them in the friend bin straight away … well at 0.5 degrees anyway … and happily become two trains in the night.

Ex = 0.5
Family = 0.5
Flatmate = 0.5 ......... (5)

Make sense?

Now get ready for the picture! It shows the relationship “options” closest to You! Red is bad, Green is good.

0.5 to 2.0 degrees of separation from You

So it’s pretty easy to see that the easiest path is through your friends! Friend of a Friend is 2.0 and a-ok and all others are 1.5 so at least that’s morally “common”. So get to it friends, set me up with YOUR friends!!!

Copyright © 2009.